I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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