mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
