I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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