im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
