And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
