When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
