I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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