I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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