I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I believe in your delicious
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
