everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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