it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
