I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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