my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
