It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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