Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
