I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What a dumb baby whore.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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