why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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