Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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