I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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