News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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