You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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