I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
