Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
