so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
