Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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