the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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