Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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