woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
