I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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