Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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