I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
