If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
