Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
