You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
