new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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