My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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