My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
