there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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