margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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