My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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