At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
