Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We need to get me chipped asap
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
