i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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