You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Randomize
