I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
