I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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