if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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