i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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