there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
