Where did you get a picture of my penis
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
